Baking a cake

Marriage is a choice
But for it to last
Is a blessing from God
Something that evades some of us

Who wouldn’t dream
For a love made in heaven
To meet our soulmate
But its not that easy

Baking a cake would be easier
With a list of ingredients to follow
The recipe need not be strictly followed
Modifications can be made
Even close substitutes are permitted

But if even one ingredient is missing
It wont work
The cake would just crumble
And it will be a flop…


Candice Sandiego
December 31, 2008

Lucky in love...

My cousin celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary last dec 18 and she asked me to write a poem for them. She asked me to write it months before her renewal but whenever I attempted to make it.. it came up blank. But as I saw her walking down the aisle for a second time, as I saw her face.. the words just flowed out of no where. I don't know how to title it though... except that I know she has alwasy been lucky in bingo, in raffles and in love....

A poem for Jun-jun and Linell

In a vast sea of people
Your face stands out
Your aura radiant with happiness
As it mirrors the past 25 years of your union

The road was never easy
But I guess no marriage is
But these little bumps
Defined each other’s true character

I salute you both
For your enduring commitment
To uphold the promises once made
As you have renewed it today

Your love for one another
Cannot be measured
Envied by others
And tried to be emulated by some

But not everyone was blessed
To have found and married
The great love of their life
Their soulmate, their bestfriend

You really are extremely lucky
Lucky to have found each other
So hold on tight and never let go
For this love only comes once… in alifetime…



Candice Sandiego
December 18, 2008

Weight loss update...

I was supposed to get my weight for the month of December last December 17 but I was sick so I was finally able to had my weight checked last December 20 and I was so elated that I lost 12 lbs since my last weigh in last November 17. I already loss a total of 47lbs and 10 inches off my waist in 4 months! I'm so happy coz for the first time I'm able to shop off the racks in the boutiques and department stores. But of course I'm still so far from my ultimate goal but my goal for this year, I already got it! I am positive that I'll also get my goal for next year..

I may have started for the wrong reasons but now I'm doing this for my own self-fulfillment. The gym has a motto that its “Motivation which gets us started but its habit which keeps us going” and it's really true...

Anyway, watch out for the new me next year... 2009 will be my year!

Blank

The days can be endless
and the nights so painful
from the biting cold

Walking aimlessly
stubling through the maze of life
lost in a maddening crowd
alone with my crazy thoughts

The cacophony unsure
like a jeepneys bizaare
I sit in the middle
you in the sidewalk

Your face bathe
bathed in sadness
confused by the blank stare
of my eyes...


This poem is a collaboration between me and Jello, written while intoxicated... hahaha...

For Roy...

A good friend of ours was suddenly taken away yesterday... he was only 36... died of cardiac arrest while playing basketball. One minute he was with us, the next he is forever gone. I made a simple poem for him...


For Roy...

I didn't know him that well
but i knew him enough
enough to have made a mark
a dent in our lives

He always had an easy smile
his crazy antics made us laugh
his eyes spoke a thousand words
that left us all rolling with laughter...

Now, with your sudden passing
came the painful realization
of how fleeting life can be
with just a blink of an eye
you were taken, just as you were given

we may be mourning now
but you are met with rejoice
by the angels awaiting
your homecoming...

Goodbye Roy and thanks for the memories...

Still waters

once rough waters
stands still
I stand
as light as a feather

one small move
and I get pulled
drowned into the dark abyss
forever lost...

The water is deep
underneath strong currents
ready to burst
breaking the stillness of calm waters

emotions are brewing
gets stronger as the tide rises
awaiting silently
hopefully not in vain.

Weight loss update...

I've been very busy the past days that I haven't been able to update my blog on my latest weight...
I had my weight taken last November 17 and I loss another 12 lbs!... meaning I already loss a total of 35lbs since August 11. AND I FEEL GREAT!!!!

My only regret is why I only started now but then again, why not now? I guess the circumstances I'm in right now made this happen. When I first started gym, I had all the wrong reasons why I'm doing it...now, I'm doing this for myself... to feel good about myself and eventually heal my heart along the way.

I certainly have no plans of stopping... especially now. The changes that I see in my body is my main motivation... it's the driving factor which enables me to wake up early and burn those calories at the gym. I especially love cosmic cycling coz in one hour, you already burn a lot. I'm also perpetually on a strict diet, kamote, fruits and vegetables are my constant food buddy.

Anyway, keep you posted on my next weigh in on December 17. This month will be such a challenge for me with all the Christmas parties one after the other... but it's just mind over matter and to never lose track of my personal goals.

Evolution of an hour

60 Minutes...
That's how long it takes me
to travel everyday

60 Minutes...
for an episode to last
from my favorite TV show

60 Minutes...
I felt alive
while we talked on the phone

6 Minutes...
it took you only 6 minutes
to break my heart.

6 seconds...
my world crumbled
and my heart stopped...

God's house

I'm inside God's house...
crying my heart out
pouring my soul
to a life full of obscurities

I'm inside God's house...
seeking refuge
from the grim world
looking for my inner peace

I'm inside God's house...
beseeching his forgiveness,
Indiscretions and hearts foolishness
are just to name a few

I'm lost... a lost sheep
a cast away from the herd
wandering in the barren fields
confused with my chaotic feelings

I'm here inside God's house
trying to find my way in the dark
back into his warm embrace
and infinite compassion...

My weight lost journal

My good friend Jello suggested that I write something about my diet… to keep an e-journal of my progress.

I’ve been trying to go on a diet for the longest time but I think this is it… I started losing weight last July due to some personal problems and since I was already starting to lose some weight, I decided to enroll in a gym… at Fitness First in Ayala. It is expensive but with all its machines and the group exercises which it offers, it makes it worth it.

I started at the Gym last August 11.One month after, last September 11, I weighed again and I lost 9 lbs. My waistline lost a total of 4 inches since July. And then, last October 11, I weighed again and lost another 14 lbs! And my waistline loss another 2 inches. I have no plans of stopping. My goal for December this year is a size 38 waistline and for December next year, at least a size 28 and my weight would be down to 140 lbs. This would of course not be a walk in the park… it would entail a lot of sacrifice and will power but friends like Girlie and Jello keeps me going on. Even my officemates are cheering for me… especially the guys from the Art department. I guess this is the kind of support that will push me to reach my goal.

I’m at the gym from Mondays to Fridays and on some Saturdays. I used to don’t go on Fridays coz it a busy day fro me at the office but I adjusted my time earlier so I could join the cycling class at 7:00 a.m. then be at the office by 9:00. My normal day at the gym starts at 7:00 a.m. coz I join the cycling class at 7:00 a.m. It’s so painful and hard but I enjoy it because I burn a lot but at the same time have fun because of the music (80’s tunes) and instructors. After the class, I proceed to the machines like treadmill, bicycles, rotext, rowing and a machine which I forgot the name but targets my arms. Then I go across to the free weights area to work on my muscles and resistance training. After which I go down to where the machines which targets my waist. I now can do 100 crunches! It’s no joke coz it really leaves me breathless!! Then if I still have the time, I join other group exercises like body jam and body pump but my favorite is retro! It’s like a dance class of the 80’s. Then to finish off, I hit the sauna before taking a bath and reporting to work. Whew! You see what I mean by needing all the support I can get?? Hahaha…

I know it’s a lot of work and I’m still a long way from my goal but the little changes that I see not only physically but also emotionally will be reasons enough for me to go on.

Anyway, I’ll keep you guys posted on my next weigh in on November 11.

Love lost

I used to be in love… I used to close my eyes to all his shortcomings and dream that I’m in love and this love would be able to conquer everything. I used to believe in forever. That nothing can ever stand in our way. But as the years passed, as I aged and my heart got wiser, I woke up to one day not feeling the same anymore.

You see, I’ve loved him everyday of my life, gave him everything. Tried to understand him and be with him. But he took everything for granted. He was too busy with his friends and vices that he didn’t even notice that I don’t look for him anymore when he comes home late, or that I don’t anymore yearn for his embrace and kisses. He did'nt even notice that my eyes does'nt sparkle the way it used to.We don’t anymore talk and share each other’s dreams. I just sleep, close my eyes and dream of the love that we used to share.

This is the most painful and saddest thing to happen to any couple… to fall out of love.
I read that there’s no such thing as love lost because if you really are in love with that person then your love for that person can never really be lost but only buried. God knows how everyday I try to unearth those buried feelings but my heart is half empty… How can it give love when it’s almost empty? How could I hold on when I could barely hang on to my sanity? How could I start to mend my wounds when the scars are too deep to heal?

The heart doesnt die easily, it is strong and could face life's tragedies. It can withstand all the trials except for one... when the heart is neglected for so long... then it dies from blindness and betrayals. It gets worn out and withers... and it dies a natural death.

I wonder why?

I wonder why?
The sun goes up
As the moon goes down

I wonder why?
A majestic rainbow appears
After a fiery storm have passed

I wonder why?
The birds and the bees
Are euphemisms of procreation

I wonder why?
The heart continues to love
Despite the scars of unrequited love

I wonder why?
I continue to feel this way
Even though I know
I’ll get hurt in the end…

I wonder…

Flatline

strangled words of love
falls on deaf ears
eerie silence fills the air
gloomy days felt
like an eternity

The horizon gets bleaker
as our footprints
slowly vanishes, washed up
by the dead sea

My heart gets weaker
barely audible heartbeat
keeps hanging on
until the day it flatlines...

Despair

Infinite times
I reached out
squinting my eyes
trying to see through the darkness
trying to hear
the muffled voices
and moans of despair
but there is no one
not even the angels
could catch my fall...

Rollercoaster ride

A rollercoaster goes up and down
it gets faster and faster
accelerating and pumping
to the thunderous beating of our hearts

Rollercoasters scares me
the way we are carried in the wind
then suddenly drops us in mid air
leaving us breathless and yet wanting for more

we raise our hands
as if in utter surrender
we ride the thrill
to the euphoria of the moment

The ride last for only 10 minutes
but the experience lasts us a lifetime
forever etched in our hearts...


I'm on that rollercoaster ride of my life now....

Love's cycle

SUMMER 1991

When they first met it was magic... when she first saw him at his grandmother's kitchen, with his long locks of hair... she thought she saw Jesus. The attraction was instantaneous. They spent long hours just talking and just spend time with each other. They were still very young but at that moment and with that summer, they knew what first love meant.

SUMMER 1994

A few years have passed, they meet again. But this time around, he was behind those concrete walls and steel bars... a situation which was brought about by wrong decisions and innocence with the realities of our harsh world. But nothing changed, for despite the situation he was in, she still felt the same. She crossed the distance that separated them. Big waves couldn't dampen her spirit. All she was thinking was him, to somehow be able to put a smile on his face and comfort him during those dark moments of his life at the "white house". It was during this time that they knew what true love meant. But I guess love wasn't enough... for they lost each other again.

For years he lived in her heart, always at the back of her mind. Whenever she hears their song, she just couldn't help but shed a tear. For she thought he has forgotten about her, forgotten the song in their heart.

She tried to move on, trying to mend her broken heart along the way. She felt broken, all her dreams for the two of them have shattered. It led to a hasty decision which she thought would make her forget about him. She moved on with her life and started a family.

From time to time, she would hear snippets of news about him. The ups and downs of his rollercoaster life. He eventually started his own family. She tried so hard to forget about him, to numb her feelings for him. But he continued to live on, to reside in her heart.

But as fate would have it, they reconnected again. They meet again, a lot has changed. It has been 14 years since they last saw each other. Both of them very different physically but deep inside them nothing seemed to change. She kept on telling herself, "why still feel the same intensity when he is not the same anymore". But his voice, his eyes ... it's still him. It's as if only 14 hours have passed... for the chemistry is still there, the magic still hangs in the air.

If before it was their young age, then his situation that kept them apart, now it's their commitment to other people which is keeping them apart... And fate is just so cruel.

Fate plays a cruel game... now they know that they are each other's great love. But if they do decide to pursue it, then they must give up their commitments and hurt the people they love along the way. Logic tells them its wrong but their hearts scream otherwise.

Will they let go again of each other? Sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of others?
Or will they follow their hearts and hold on to each other's great love? A love which will transcend all the kind of love which they felt before...

Now, they are just friends... trying to somehow satisfy their hearts true desires. Trying to hang on with what they have... friendship... For now, they painfully understand what commitment is.

But as he has said, maybe someday... they just have to believe in fate.

Hearts

Our hearts can be very willful
cant be taught who to love
but so naive
to life's realities

It can be so cold and ruthless
when it says no
but easily melts our defenses
when we say yes

Our hearts can be very resilient
can endure so much pain
but in time
it withers and dies in vain...

Cocaine

You are like cocaine...
bad for me
and yet I crave for you
I'm incomplete without you

you are like cocaine...
making my heart beat faster
giving a feeling of extreme euphoria
and a lack of hunger

In time, I know you will ruin me
and make me sick
fill my head with hallucinations
destroy every bit of my being

But how will I put an end to this
how could I stop
when I can't imagine life
without this maddening addiction...

without you...

One great love...

They say that everybody has their one great love. It’s either you’ve met him/her already or he’s still out there. But how will we recognize our one great love?

One great love is described as a love whose intensity is so great that even the passing of time couldn’t dampen the spark which was first felt when you first met. Meaning all the emotions or feelings is still the same even after years have passed. It is with this one person that we can never forget the sweetness of its kiss, the warmth of its hug and that euphoric feeling in our hearts. Even the slightest thought of not being with him, of not spending the rest of your life with that person is already heart breaking… I guess because we know that we will never fall in love like this again…

True Love entails enduring commitment, maturity and constant communication. True love endures in silence and is never self centered. But our one great love, transcends true love. It is timeless and boundless. Not even time nor distance could stand on its way. It’s like the whole world conspires for your one great love.

So I guess, a person can really only have one great love on any given lifetime. This feeling can be ecstatic but can also be heart breaking… because often times, our great love doesn’t necessarily feel the same way towards us… and it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll end up with each other. If that’s the case, is it then worth it to continue loving that person even if the feeling is unreturned? I guess people who get to spend the rest of their lives with their one great love are extremely lucky.

How long then should we hold on and wait for our great love? Is something this great be truly out there?



September 14, 2008
6:30 a.m.

Endless...

Endless nights
I cry myself to sleep
Endless days
I walk in a daze…

Endless tears
Shed over you
Countless shards of glass
Pierced in my heart

When will all these end?
How will I put a stop to this?
When all’s inside my heart
Is endless love for you…

Will there ever be an end?

All my love
I showered on you
Gave you not only my heart
But every essence of my soul…

But you’ve hurt me
Countless times
Emotionally and physically
And I just kept it all inside

I kept quiet and just closed my eyes
Hoping for my love to be enough for us
I convinced myself that I’m happy
That everything’s ok

But it’s not… I deserve real happiness
I deserve to be loved
And cared for
I deserve more than this…

strictly friends...

We are strictly friends…
But my heart skips a beat
Whenever I see your sweet face
Your piercing eyes…

We are strictly friends…
But I long to hear your voice,
Your infectious laughter
Makes my defenses crumble…

We are strictly friends…
But I think about you
The moment I wake up
And before I sleep…

Strictly friends…
A phrase which I keep on reminding myself
To wake me from this insanity,
Reminding me of life’s realities
And love’s cruelty…

Borrowed time

I can’t tell you to stay
I have no right
For all I have
Is just borrowed time…

You are not mine
And someday, you’ll be hers again,
I guess you always have been…
Ours, is just borrowed time

And I dread for that day to come
The day that I’ll lose you again
So let me savor every moment
Of this borrowed time…

Maybe

You just don’t know
How hard I tried
To win your heart
And be part of your life

I guess we are all entitled
To be crazy one time or another
To lose all reasoning
And caution to the wind

But, I guess the day
That you’ll love me
The same way I love you
Will never come…

I asked you … but
You can’t even tell me
Yes… no… or maybe…
“Maybe” would have been enough for me…

So, I know someday this has to end
All these madness must one day cease
Coz “Maybe”
would have been enough...

Lost

You’re near me
And yet feel so far
Getting farther away
More and more each day

I need to tell you things
I need to open my heart to you
I needed your warmth around
My body… my soul

I needed to see your face
The moment I open my eyes
But you chose to distant yourself
Breaking my trust

Everything I gave to you…
But you took it all for granted
You drowned in your vices
And I can’t reach you anymore

Now as I lay next to you
I’m afraid this will be the last
For my heart can’t endure no more
I need to go before my sanity does…

It's still you

Eons have passed,
So many relationships
But all my heart sees
Is still you at the end

So many wrong turns
Wrong moves
But I moved on…
Moved on with my life

And yet… it’s still you
You are the song in my life
The air that I breathe
As immortal as my soul

No matter where I go,
Nor every corner I turn,
No matter how high I reached
It’s still your love I miss…

Exodus

Ghostly shadows
still haunts, still remains
pulling me back
into the abyss

I'm lost
alone in the dark
shivering, whimpering
waiting for the break of light

As dawn
slowly creeps
breaking the dreary night
soft light shines through

Just enough for a glimpse
of the distant horizon
An exodus
for the promised land

Where are we going?

Where are we going from here?
Six words you asked
not a single word
I answered...

But I tell you now
We are going where our hearts takes us
We are going to see
how beautiful life can be...

We are going to run free
free as the robins in the sky
free as the wild horses
galloping in the fields...

So, where are we going from here?
We are going to find
our home...wherever it may be
no matter how long it takes
as long as its you and me...

One in lifetime love

Why wait for fate
take me now
love me
like there is no tomorrow

Let me show you love
which you've never had before
I'll give you love
that you'll never ask for more

The kind of love
which nurtures
unending, never ceasing
but will never smother

This love is destined to be
it has long been written
in the palm of our hands
in the stars above

So don't run
don't be afraid
for this kind of love
only comes once...

Fate or destiny?

You say someday
Just believe in fate
But is this not fate
Which brought us back?

Is this not fate
that we are destined
To be as one
To reunite and never part?

They say fate is predetermined
By who? Shouldn’t it be by us
We are the captains of our ship
We determine our fate

We know we are destined for each other
why wait for its natural course
Let’s rebel now
and pave our own roads

She changed her fate
Now look at her
radiant with happiness
And no more traces of sorrow

Fate is just letting time
Take its natural course
Destiny is making it happen now
We choose it…

Freedom

Steel bars
Kept you inside
Locked from the world
And yet our love then
Was so free

Now concrete walls
Divide us again
You distant yourself
our love is no longer free

We reach out
Hoping, asking for fate
To look upon us
And free us once again…

muted love

Bodies intertwined
In muted silence
Hearts drumbeating
But only us hears

Curly locks of hair
Covers your sweet body
Your soft lips
I so long to kiss

Hold my heart
In your hands
Look into my eyes
and then tell me…

How could this be crazy??
How could this be wrong??

in anticipation...

As I rest my hand
Into your palm
My body trembles
In anticipation
My heart beats
In rhythmic motion
Waiting for your lips
To touch mine
For warm bodies
To be one
For true love
To bloom…

Broken flight

Together they flew
side by side soaring across the sky
owning the world
at the breadth of their wings

storms nor drought
strong winds nor hale
not even the rain
stood in their way

but now she flies alone
he is lost, cant be found
left her all alone
in the barren sky

she plunged and tumbled,
weakened, wounded
only time will heal
her broken wings

and soon will take her flight again...

Yellow!

Jello and I went to Hollywood Nail and Spa for an interview today and I ended up getting my nails done... in yellow! This is the first time I colored my nails yellow, I have always been a tan, ecru or beige kinda girl, always on the safe and boring colors. Which got me thinking, why yellow?

Yellow they say connotes cowardice and deceit... was I unconsciously remembering the delusion of it all? Yellow also denotes envy or jealousy, am I jealous of the life you have? In Egypt, Yellow signifies the mourning of the dead... am I mourning the death of first love? of the innocence that it first felt? or could it also be remembrance of lost time... of lost love?

On the brighter side, Yellow also stands for courage, courage to face the rest of my life knowing that it can only get better... but most of all, yellow also stands for something bright and cheery... for optimism and enlightenment... a future which I could only hope for which in the end might lead us back to true happiness. For me then, yellow stands for hope... that someday soon I'll be able to take the next step and color my nails RED!

I give up...

I finally erased your number
I finally deleted your address
I finally lasted the whole night
with no tears shed...

I finally listened to our song
without even breaking down
I finally realized...
what a fool I was

I finally threw the key
to our castle in the sky
I finally splashed in the rain
without you on my mind

I finally gave up...
on you... on us...
on the delusion of today
on the dream of tomorrow...

yes, I give up...

Almost...

I'm almost done crying
I'm almost done remembering
almost done thinking
about you, how it used to be

I'm almost ready to give up
I'm almost ready to move on
almost ready to face the day
with a brand new smile

I'm almost ready to forget the illusion
I'm almost ready to forget the pain
to forget why i love the rain
and welcome the sun

I'm almost ready......

Forget About Me by Little bit lyrics

I really like Little bit's new song "Forget About Me"
Here are the lyrics... Hope you'll like it too...

Forget About Me by: Little bit

Hmm
Whoaaa Oohhh
Yeahh


You Said It Wasn't
Gonna Be Like It Was Before
Then It Happened Again
Pushing Me Back Out The Door
Thought It Would Be Forreal This Time
Love Me Forget About The Signs
So Now What Do I Do
Now, That I Know That We're Through


Wish That I Could Move On
Can't Let Go, It's Too Strong
Just Like That And Then You're Gone
Is This How You Wanted It To Be
Everything You Had To Say
Sent The Tears Right Down My Face
Now I'm Trying To Escape
The Misery
Why Don't You Love Me
The Way I Loved You
It Feels So Crazy
Cause I Dunno What I Did To You
If You're Gonna Hurt Me
Then Do It Quickly
Cause I'm Tired Of Cryin
If You Don't Wanna Stick Around
Then, Baby, Forget About Me


Too Late, Sorry
I Didn't Even Have The Chance
You Said You Were Happy
Baby, I Don't Understand
Gave You Everything You Asked For
And Was Ready To Give You A Lot More
I Would've Given The World
Right In The Palm Of Your Hand


Wish That I Could Move On
Can't Let Go, It's Too Strong
Just Like That And Then You're Gone
Is This How You Wanted It To Be
Everything You Had To Say
Sent The Tears Right Down My Face
Now I'm Trying To Escape
The Misery
Why Don't You Love Me
The Way I Loved You
It Feels So Crazy
Cause I Dunno What I Did To You
If You're Gonna Hurt Me
Then Do It Quickly
Cause I'm Tired Of Cryin
If You Don't Wanna Stick Around
Then, Baby, Forget About Me


Boy, My Heart Was True
And That You Can't Deny
Don't Be A Fool
And Walk Away From All The Lies
It's Up To You
Cause Heaven Knows I've Tried
Tell Me You're Still In Love
Yeahhhh Ohh

Why Don't You Love Me
The Way I Loved You
It Feels So Crazy
Cause I Dunno What I Did To You
If You're Gonna Hurt Me
Then Do It Quickly
Cause I'm Tired Of Cryin
If You Don't Wanna Stick Around
Then, Baby, Forget About Me
Forget About Me...


forget about me..
oh baby oh

How?

How dare you
wake me from deep slumber...
how dare you
unearth those deep feelings...

feelings which I thought was long gone
gone in oblivion
forever lost in memory
cowering from the cobwebs on my mind

You said you are different now
you said you are a different person
and yet its happening again
just like before, pushing me out of your life

They tell me to move on...
if only moving on was that easy
If thats so easy for you
can you teach me how?

Summer romance

I know we can never be
At least we had one great summer
A summer romance
That would last us through winter

We cant continue living in the past
With only memories of young love
So pure… so innocent
Now lost in space…

What used to be
Can never be…
maybe someday
some other lifetime...

My tears just can't stop from flowing
my head keeps on spinning
my heart bleeds from knowing
and it just breaks me...

Unfair

Oh how life can be so unfair…
And they said all in love is fair
And yet there you are
Breaking my heart all over again

Sometimes love plays cruel games
I don’t know why
But until now it still drives me insane
drives me crazy just the same

And yet no matter how hard we try
Nothings gonna be the same
you tell me not to cry
God knows how I tried...

If only things ended differently
If only we waited for the storm to past
Oh how we used to love the rain
Now, it brings me too much pain

I just have one request
If you decide to end this
Don’t leave so suddenly
Just like before

Please promise me…
Let me be the first to know